Messy mental health – Full time van life UK



hi again this is take two because I was crying in the first video and I'm a wedding that upsets some people including my kids so I have done some exercises and sort myself out so I'm not so emotional but I really really really wanted to share this with you and I'm back in the van by the way but I know that a lot of you are connecting with this emotional stuff a lot of you are going through your own stuff and despite the fact that you know the entire world seems to be talking about mental health I just I'm not seeing anybody actually all I'm seeing is people telling you what you should do I'm not actually I think everyone kind of thinks no I'm alright I'm alright you know that's normal and I just think it's really important for people to see what what actually happens the ups and the downs of what happens to you when you have a mental health issue because we're all busy pretending that you know we're okay we're all trying to put this act on aren't we and I have to include myself in that despite my videos I do have to include myself in that well you know we're all not really being very honest about how bad it gets and and how crazy it gets so I'm gonna try and explain to you what happened in a non-emotional way so after my last video my ex contacted me and it was all right you know I was you know as you know I was feeling really strong and he came at me with apologies and explained that he was going to get help for his issues and and I have to point out at this point I don't actually think that my ex is a bad person I just think that he's got lots of issues and what I've realized is that our issues are completely clashing completely clashing and I think when two people with mental health problems get together and how I feel is that when one person is working on their issues and the other one is doing literally nothing saying they're going to but they're not and then the same cycles going on and on and on and yet the person that's working on their issue is continually getting the blame for things all the time I just think it's crazy making it is literally crazy making because the person it's working on themselves starts to think that they're crazy that there's something wrong with them all of the time and so what happened was so he contacted me you know was apologetic and everything and we kind of decided that we were going to try and be friends he needed support at the time because he was having an emotional emotionally bad time so you know I sent him links and and tried to support him and everything was going fine I think he was even said he would do the website finish the website for me because he's done all of the work so far I don't even really know how to access it and get on there so we started working on the website as well I think he was using that as a bit of a distraction to his emotional stuff and I kind of understand that because distraction can help it can put you in a better place so yeah well everything was going swimmingly and then I had an emotional dive I I got confused I think I think because of my my feelings for this man I it's hard to remember everything that went through my head but I kind of went along the lines of if he gets help and I'm already helping myself then then possibly if he's aware of his own behavior and make him moves towards changing his own behavior like I am then we could be together I know I know I know but that's the way that my brain went but because of all of our history and it made me feel bad I just thought can I hope for that can I hope for that should I be hoping for that what about all the things that you know you need to do that you know that his issues are going to block because it happens over and over and over again the same things no matter what I change because he's not addressing his issues the same things keep going on none none so I took a dive emotionally basically because you know in one hand I've got you know oh maybe maybe I could be with the person I love and on the other hand it's like but you know what happens Kirsty so I took a bit of a dive and I had a really bad day my friends came back early and I spent the entire evening trying to act normal because you know they've got their own stuff going on and I don't want to be a burden and I didn't I don't want our friendship to be to become about you know me having problems and them caring for me I like the friendship that we've got where we talk about normal things and and they you know inspire me that's what I want from them because that's what they're good at giving so that's what I stick to so I didn't let let on how I was feeling which I think I do a lot I think most of my friends will probably tell you that I'm very good at acting most of my friends don't even know there's a problem most of the time I have one friend that I'm really honest with and I just can't talk to us yes she knows she knows me so well that she knows I don't even need to say there's anything wrong with me I just stop talking and she knows that that's the problem and she waits and then she comes back and checks them okay another time and that's that's really nice she's probably the closest person friendship-wise that but I'm close to but and we did have me at me and this other friend we did have a conversation last night you know I let on to how bad I was feeling because I was because obviously I went to bed my friends went spend I was on my own and then I was feeling lonely and scared and worried and frustrated and just a man brain just went just went off of one I couldn't call myself I didn't have but Sabet involved didn't have my book I couldn't watch any videos because I was in band and my friends for him band I didn't of my earphones so my brain would just let loose basically so I actually went to my friend I didn't actually go to her and say I needed help I went about someone else but then let her know how I was feeling and she definitely you know tried to support me but unfortunately on my brain was my partner all the time my ex-partner all of the time and then I made the stupid mistake because I'm so close to my partner when we're OK we talked on an intimacy level that I have never experienced before we are we're both really honest and really open well I certainly am he has trouble with that but he's got better over time so I've got to know a lot more about in them and I used to but I'm certainly open and honest and I think I need to be because if if you're in an intimate relationship and you don't know what the hell's going on and the other person's head then it can be quite scary especially if you've got insecurities so and he has got a lot of insecurities so I let him know everything that's going on sometimes it backfires on me because if it involves him it sets off his insecurities no matter how I say things to him no matter how calmly lovingly gently know my how I changed my words it says these issues offer and you know we end up spiraling out of control that's what happens when two people with mental health get together but he's despite the fact that we've had a lot of hard times he's the person I'm closest to and I made the mistake of reaching out to him and I let him know how much I was really struggling and I was falling apart completely falling apart inside I didn't I couldn't see I couldn't even really see I'd gone from feeling really strong and I am where I was going to feeling like what the hell am I going to do what what am I supposed to do all I know is that I want to feel close to this person again this person that that causes so much damage I really wanted to be close to him and I wanted him to help me but I know I know he never does in these moments he never does and I'll tell you what happened because it's a bit crazy making so I told him that I was struggling and he tried to get me to talk and I was struggling to relax because of my fears and you know I didn't want to upset the applecart but at the same time I needed to talk to him and and he was really good you know he said look just talk to me I'm here for you and all the right words that I wanted to hear so I started opening up to him and I started talking to him and out of nowhere he started kicking off about something completely unrelated sort of conversation and I was like what so I asked him what the hell you're on about just in case I'd missed a connection to something that was being said and I realized it really was completely unrelated so anything I'd said or anything that he'd said it was something else that had upset his feelings nothing to do with what we were talking about and suddenly he was upset about something and this always always happens and I just sat there and I just thought am I crazy and is it too much to ask to have a conversation with someone to say to someone I'm really struggling I need help and them not just be there for you because I it just I don't I don't even understand what goes on in his head how how can you be sitting there listening to someone whose hearts breaking who's dark inside and jump conversation about something completely unrelated and then expressed that he was upset about something and then that was used to attack me because it was related to us but it was nothing to do with what we were talking about so that was there news to attack me and I just I can't even begin to explain how it made me feel scared mostly scared that I'd opened up a scared that I had had that response and scared that that he thought that was okay and eat it all got turned around on to me because I was unfortunately I was sarcastic and I said oh I see because I checked what it was he was talking about and it was completely unrelated so anything we're talking about and then I went oh I see for a minute there I thought you were actually gonna be there for me and as soon as I sent it I thought well that's helpful isn't it casting you know sarcasm was really going to help this situation but I wasn't nasty that you know I wasn't the old me would have properly kicked off but you know I've learned mechanisms for not kicking off anymore but I couldn't help the sarcasm and basically turned around and said you know I'm not gonna be your emotional punch bag anymore and you can do the I'll delete everything I've done on the website and get someone else to do it and and I just thought I could I feel completely crazy I felt that's the world I've been living in for 10 months where that kind of thing happens and I have to try and I have to try and make sense of that and it doesn't make any sense to me it doesn't really literally doesn't make any sense to me and that is actually what happened that is the actual truth of what was said and what happened but when I try and discuss things like that with him which I haven't because there's no point he always says to me that's your reality of what happened and I sit there are nothing for that's actually what was said that's what was done so yeah that is my reality of what happened I I don't know what goes on in his head because once he gets to that point he cannot communicate at all but I just realized at that point that I have to stop this I have to stop it so I have now gone completely no contact I did post in my group last night because that made me feel completely alone completely alone completely rejected completely cold I just felt that I needed some comfort so I posted in my group I put wouldn't it be nice if there was such a thing as a cuddle bank where you could go and get a cuddle and give someone else a card like I actually thought that would be a really good idea but it was kind of my way of reaching out to let people know anyone know how was feeling really and that's kind of how I work that's what I do but my friend pointed out this morning my friend was upstairs in bed we were all in bed and she pointed out this morning that all I had to do was ask her for a cuddle I don't know I mean my friend do cuddle but I didn't because I've been dishonest and then hid our was feeling she didn't she didn't reach out to me and I certainly didn't reach out to her so I never got a cuddle and a lot of things started going into place for me at that point because I realized that I am actually emotionally investing myself in people that are emotionally unavailable that they are completely unavailable for me emotionally and there are people around me that are available for me emotionally and I'm not reaching out to them and I need to work out why why I do that because I think that's quite crucial I think I think I've got a lot to learn from that area I think I mean I have learnt quite a lot in the last 10 months about how to be intimate in a healthy way but I'm not doing it with the right people I'm doing it I'm making really really really bad choices as I'm sure you all know by now but that is what happens when when you are up in the head and you when you've been brought up and it's really hard to explain to anyone that hasn't really been through it but when you're taught that that's what love looks like that you have to earn love and you have to you know you have to do whatever makes someone else happy no matter how unreasonable it might seem you have to deal with that put up with it work around it become what the other person needs you to be then they'll love you that when that's what you're brought up believing unfortunately you go through life believing that and I need to learn I need to learn and it's a patek myself I need to if I don't learn these things how can I protect myself how can I learn healthy patterns if I keep falling back into old patterns but thankfully these days because I am on a learning curve I am recognizing a lot of things that are going on and I'm really grateful for my friend to have said that this morning that I was doing this cuddle thing from a safe different distance you know I was putting it out on social media but I wasn't going to my friend who could have given giving me a cuddle right there right then if I wanted it so yeah I'm really lucky to have friends that that actually genuinely cared that you know there's no see this is this is the problem we've like when you I mean part of the reason I don't reach out was because of the response that I get like my partner did I've had that a lot in my life and I think I have chosen people who aren't emotionally available and do reject me because that's how I was brought up so I have to work harder to learn their love and oh it's such a mess and I think it's really really important for people that are going from similar to understand that they're not the only one they're not the only one who has some messed up idea of what love is in their hand or what intimacy is in their head and the only way I'm gonna get what I want which is if I reach out people will care for me is if AI learn how to reach out which I believe I am starting to just I'm not reaching out to the right people I need to I need to have better connections in my life where when I make improvements and I behave in a healthy way I get healthy response back because they're healthy people and I'm choosing I'm definitely choosing unhealthy people I mean I have always I said when I met my partner didn't I that I've always chosen really messed-up people because they communicate in a way that I understand but my partner is is completely different to everyone else he's really really really messed up and I can't fathom him at all and I I don't need to he needs to do that I need to father me out so yeah there you go a waffled again yeah it's it's time to move on I've gone completely no contact have blocked him completely and it doesn't matter how much how much I keep thinking about all the good stuff between us I know I know he's never going to be the person I want him to be see I have this other thing in my head that you never give up on someone never if you love him you love him you don't give up on them and that's why I've stayed in relationships in the past that have been really quite shitty because I mean what what if I was with a person it was physically disabled I wouldn't just walk away because they can't walk or they can't do this or they can't do that and yet here I am walking away from someone because of his mental health problems that is a really really really confusing one for me I think if earlier in the relationship he'd gone and got help it would have been better but this whole time he's not got help you keep saying he's gonna get help and doesn't do it doesn't doesn't work on anything and I can't do it I can't do it it doesn't matter how much I beat myself up for giving up on him I cannot do it and I'm not going to do it so yeah I thought I would share that and I am going to refocus myself regain some strength take some time off social media appreciate my friends a bit more and yeah I don't know when our next to do a video but I just thought I would share that for those of you that are going for a similar and I will talk to you all soon bye

39 Comments

  1. Youtube is not your counsellor. I feel very sorry that you are having such a hard time with life, but goodness me this endless angst is just you dumping on your viewers. You are too old for this indignity, this airing of the laundry in a public forum. Please take the time to get some balance in your life (no, no one needs to tell you how to do it as you already know) think about how your kids feel seeing all this-and be safe out there.

  2. That was one of the most honest and powerful videos I've seen. Sounds like you're ex has been gaslighting you and it's all about him…. ish!.
    Being as wide open as you are has it's negatives but much respect to you for putting it all out there.
    Take care.

  3. Kirsty can you give me you FB contact I can't find them , Chris UK ✌️👍🇬🇧

  4. Ok i finished watching the full video now , I'm again going to say what I said to you on your FB forum and this goes for anyone , you cannot keep dwelling on the past , the past has to be left behind , anyone who is causing you pain should be left behind , I've tried to help others in the past but some people are , unfortunately, beyond help .
    If you are around people with problems it we eventually drag you down to .
    Ok so let's say you have decided to wipe the past problems out , now you need to set yourself goals , then you need to work on those goals .
    I myself have plans , at the moment , without too much Detail , I am being held up by an idiot , I will eventually get past the idiot and my plans will begin , I'm doing my best not to let the idiot bother me but without this idiot doing Thier part I'm stuck .
    We all want to partner to love and reciprocate that love but unfortunately Thier not always there , I'm.planning my future alone and if I meet someone on my journey then all well and good , if not I am still moving forward , in doing this I might have to be a bit ruthless with others as they might get in the way of my happiness , it's not selfish looking after no one , I wish a good future to all in need , chris 👍🇬🇧

  5. I was told by a doctor that an appointment had been made for me to see a psychologist , after 8 months I found out that the doctor had lied , now this was a doctor working as part of the mental health team , I found out because I kept calling the office and the secretary who made the appointments eventually told me that there was no appointment , the secretary was disgusted with the doctors attitude and couldn't apologize enough and did her best to help me, I reported it to management and eventually got another appointment with the doctor who had lied , basically his attitude was terrible and said " you got me never mind ay " and admitted it 🤨, as some of you can understand with the way I felt I blew my top .
    The clinic I was going to is well known in our area , they use the clinic as part of doctors training so basically there is a large turn over if doctors .
    After this happen I was eventually put under the head phycologist originally booked in for 6 appointments over 6 weeks but , because of my needs , I was still seeing her 14 months later .
    I eventually finished at the clinic , my choice , I set myself a list of rules and worked at trying to get out of the deep dark hole I was in , nearly 3 years on and I am getting better , I've cut down my meds and only take was I desperately need , it's a constant battle but I've found that there is life at the end of the tunnel , it's still hard some days and there are times I still lock myself away but I tend to get through it .
    In my last post I think I said I could write a book , well that day might come but I'm not ready for it yet , I hope that anyone with MH problems can find the strength to better yourself , the one thing I will say is try and forget about the past , no mater how hard it is dwelling on the past is no good for anyone , I hope you all find happiness , chris UK ✌️👍🇬🇧

  6. Hi…my heart goes out to you for I can see the hurt & suffering your enduring & it's such a really hard place to be…your struggling & I think doing these videos is good therapy for you for your able to put your thoughts out, to talk out loud, which makes things clearer in our minds…keep working on yourself…step by step & take time…take breaks…take care of yourself physically too…eat well, rest well…prayer & blessings for you

  7. You might want to research narcissists. Anything you say to a narcissist about how you feel can set them off. They will not help you. They will attack out of the blue. They will never be there for you except when they want to pull you back in. They will make you feel crazy. They will turn everything around on you. They can drive people to suicide in some instances. They take a perverse pleasure in causing you emotional distress. Then they will act caring and supportive. They have a tendency to zero in on empaths. Others who havent experienced this type of abuse often dont get it and often the abused person doesn't get it. You cannot make excuses for someone else's bad behavior. You most definitely cannot help them. If he is a narcissist, clean break, no contact or you can never heal and have real boundaries and healthy relationships. And most important you will start to recognize a narcissist or other types of toxic people from the get go and not get involved with them. My narcissistic parent, when I was 29, told me "love has to be earned and you havent earned it." A bell went off in my head. That set me on the road to understanding why I was involved with and attracted the people I became involved with. Narcissists are charming one minute and brutal the next as it suits their purposes. It took me years to get this and walk away from these unhealthy toxic people. I wish I had listened when a counselor told me years ago to walk away from people like this and dont look back. I was always in denial. I always thought if I tried hard enough, fixed what was wrong with me it would be fine.. these relationships dont work that way. Being an empath, I felt your distress and hope you find your way through all this distress. And no matter what others say only you can make the decisions that will change your life. It took a major shake up in my life before I started on the road to really changing my life. Best always.

  8. Hey Kirsty please don't hate me for this but you/we are our own worst enemy.. you say you love him but he drags you down.. you need to make a clean break or you will never get " freedom " or mental freedom…..you both clash and as much as you think you love it's not a good recipe….

  9. Gosh kirsty, hope ya gona be ok, for you>> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnnr1QhMZQY

  10. Hi Kirsty iv been watching your videos for a while now and I think your doing a brilliant job and carry on down your road.

  11. What is your diet like?

  12. Hey Kirsty…sounds like you're dealing with a Narcissist…run for your life!!!

  13. Kirsty I have watched your vids from day one, every time you are alone you are or appear to be doing so well, then as soon as you get in a relationship the doubts, the muddled thinking and complete chaos starts. This is not doing you any good at all. You cannot have a doctor v patient relationship with this guy. Like you he needs to work out his issues in his time and his way, it may take a month or it may take ten years, it might never happen? You cannot hold yourself ransom to the fact you love him so you want to fix him or push him to be fixed. It isn't giving up on someone when the two of you for whatever the reasons are starting to damage each other, in fact its detrimental to your fragile emotional and mental conditions, both of you. The attachment you appear to have with this guy is now becoming an addiction, the fact you don't want to quit, to give in or to be seen as walking away are excuses you are mentally making for returning to him again and again. There doesn't have to be a wrong or a right, a good or a bad, healthy or unhealthy partner to end a relationship, sometimes its life, things don't work out, simple. No one can have a relationship when they are still on a journey of finding themselves, once you know what you want or don't want, and don't mind asking for it, then you can think about relationships, that's were most people go wrong. You cannot fix something that is broken when you are broken. You need space, time to heal however long that takes, to grow mentally, nothing in life is easy, life is cruel, you will get there but you will have to do it your way. There are two choices, the easy way or the hard way, the choice is yours!!!!

  14. Look out for the red flags and RUN! Sometimes this is not easy as they are charming to begin with and then you are stuck. Walking on eggshells is a horrible way to live.

  15. I feel for ya! Best advice I had when I was in a bad relationship was “mirror don’t sponge”. Often triggers come from different places in time which is why they don’t make sense. Was watching Tim Ferris interview Gabor Mate today, highly recommend watching some of Gabor, he is a blessing to us all. Thank you for vlogging.

  16. 10 years ago no one was talking about mh etc

    It's media hype and public service ads etc

    What is happening is sometimes people try too hard to make a relationship work when sometimes it's easier to move on etc

    Life is a rubicks cube

    The rubicks cube only has so many sequences and can't be solved by inventing new sequences etc

  17. Have you looked into Twin Flames? People who have an intense connection with someone else often brings out the best and worst in us – as part of our journey of healing old wounds.

  18. Oh bless you Kirsty, I know exactly where you are coming from as I've gone through exactly same issues with the guy I'm so in love with….but we haven't seen each other since Christmas and if we do text, we always end up clashing over something….I miss him but not the upset and hassle of the wrong thing being said. I really know what you are going through… we just seem to retaliate each other which is stupid. Yes I've said harsh words but only because he seems to treat me like a child sometimes and shout at me… It's a mess but like you, no matter what, I still adore him and yet don't see things resolving as he has so many bad issues himself. Am trying to get on with life but he's there in my head all the time….I just can't let go somehow because of all the wonderful memories we have shared together….listen my love…try to be strong and and take care of yourself….love Monnie xxxxx

  19. sometimes there is only so much you can do for a person before it becomes detrimental to you. Its time to put yourself first, and its not selfish to do so. He needs help but he's depleted you, and he has to WANT that help and get it from someone professionally trained. Take some time to heal you, and this too shall pass xxx

  20. Thank you for our honesty. I relate so much to this experience.
    THE SERENITY PRAYER HELPS ME

  21. I don’t usually comment but I can’t not to … you have to move on don’t blame your self sometimes people get advantage on other and the excuse is that they have mental health issues but besides that their is their character and behavior.. move away and don’t look back.

  22. Oh and I'm sending you a massive cuddle! 😏🌻

  23. Oh Kirsty, please don't beat yourself up for giving up on your ex. Your relationship cannot move forward if he doesn't want to move at the same pace as you. You could choose to stay but you know that would be a massive mistake and send you to a bad place. I liken these kinds of relationships to addiction (of which I've had a few). You keep thinking about the highs even though they only last a short time whereas the lows go on much longer. I believe a healthy relationship won't feel like this. You will feel secure, loved and safe. There won't be any second guessing or feeling like you're going crazy, and you won't have to bend over backwards to get a scrap of love, you will just be loved because you are you. 💜

  24. Hey Kirsty.. Thank you for sharing your heart. ( The difference between someone with a physical disability & someone with a mental health issue is that the person who is physically disabled can't do anything about it, & does not use their condition to emotionally berate/hurt another person.) As you are growing, becoming more emotionally intelligent, you have now got to grips with the fact that it is actually ok to walk away from unhealthy relationships & to take better care of your self.. Because your worth it Big ((Hugs)) Much love Mx

  25. From what I've read about the habit of reaching out to emotionally unavailable people (and I've read a lot cos this has been my pattern), it's said that we are trying to put the past right. If we had emotionally unavailable parents/carers then that's what's familiar to us so we recreate that in our adult life until we become aware of the pattern and work on changing it. If we can get that emotionally unavailable person to love us, that proves we are lovable. Thing is, they usually don't love themselves so are unable to love us. They are seeking love just like we are so their focus is more on getting than giving. i've been in relationships like this and they have caused my a lot of pain 😕. I think the key to all this is learning to love ourselves, truly, madly, deeply. Just think how that would change our relationships if we had that loving relationship with ourselves. That's what I'm working on. Not being hard on myself anymore for not being perfect. Forgiving myself for not being perfect. I've been aware of the idea of self love for 20 odd years but only now am I implementing it. What the hell took me so long??! 🙄😄💜

  26. Sending hugs! Sounds like hell. You don't have to struggle like this. Be at peace with your decision. 💚

  27. He said he'd delete everything he'd done on the website?? Omg, how childish.🙄 Sounds totally crazy making Kirsty. Not that I'm telling you what to do cos you know what's right for you but GET OUT BEFORE THIS RELATIONSHIP SENDS YOU BARMY!! 😏🌻🌻

  28. I don't think it's too much to ask to want someone who's close to you, to support you when you need it. But is he capable of it? Does he want to support you? It was brave of you to open up and share how vulnerable you were feeling. We need to be careful who we do this with though so we aren't hurt all over again. Aren't relationships a total head fuck when you've got mental health issues? I'm avoiding them at the moment as I don't seem able to sustain one for longer than 36 seconds, lol.

  29. 👍 😊

  30. All my life since a teenager i was always worrying getting easily hurt now i try not to worry it just triggers my OCD. also woorying endlessly it just affects your mental health and that will destroy you, so my motto is i try not to worry

  31. Sometimes, we need to cut our losses. It took me 13yrs to leave my partner. Sometimes the relationship is simply too disfunctional and it won’t get better.

  32. good luck in your future explorations x.

  33. This is gaslighting. You're being told to question your perception of things, when you just needed some unconditional love. You did nothing wrong. xx

  34. I think it’s really hard to deal with feelings that we’ve never learnt to deal with!!
    They are scary and overwhelming and like you said people general don’t show them even to those they are closest to as they probably don’t feel safe!
    Hopefully going through these painful experiences will help teach us how to care more about ourselves and others in the process but it’s so hard!
    I think a cuddle bank is a great idea or even somewhere where it’s safe to scream your lungs out and not be judged for doing so!!!
    Because we’re all human and we all feel!
    🧡

  35. It’s incredibly hard work looking inwards and unpicking the intricacies of what makes us ‘us’ to make necessary change; you don’t mind the hard work but your (ex) partner isn’t ready for that and may never be. Yes, definitely time to move on. Well done you 😊

  36. Thanks for sharing

  37. I understand what you are saying, but there is no reason to feel guilty for giving up on him when he does not care enough about himself OR you,- to do his part….to get help. We can deal with a lot if we know exactly WHAT we are dealing with,- and if the other person do what he/she can to help themselfes. Otherwise you Will just drain youself.

  38. Hi, You are not alone, sadly, we each have to find our own way through the fog of life, I have been battling depression for years and the failsafe for me is to bottle it all up and show a brave face, only those people that really know you truly understand. What you do by verbalising your worries helps lots of people in many different ways so carry on, i am sure in time it will resolve to a fully manageable level. Take care and enjoy your life in the way that suits you, this is what i am doing it helps. I love your journeys and used to live in a van the same as you are, all the very best for the future.

  39. Sounds like he's holding a grudge.

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