Goth Fitness | Infomercials | Adult Swim


>>HI. I’M JESSUP JEREMY! AND I’M JAN JEREMY, AND WE KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING.>>”OH, NO! NOT THESE TWO AGAIN!”>>BUT WE JUST LOVE HELPING OTHERS LOOK AND FEEL GREAT, AND OUR NEW PROGRAM WILL DO JUST THAT.>>ON A RECENT VACATION TO NORWAY, JAN AND I STUMBLED UPON AN ANCIENT SCROLL WHICH WE BELIEVE THE LOCALS USED TO GET THEIR BEACH BODS READY FOR SUMMER. STAY TUNED AS JAN AND I SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE DARK ARTS WITH “GOTH FITNESS.” FLAWLESS PHYSIQUE. PURE POWER. “GOTH FITNESS” IS PROVEN TO BURN FAT AND BUILD EXTREME DARK MAGIC ABILITIES. WHEN THE TIME COMES, WILL YOU BE READY? FITNESS PROGRAMS CAN BE DAUNTING…>>MM-HMM.>>…BUT LUCKILY FOR YOU, THOSE ANCIENT NORWEGIANS BROKE “GOTH FITNESS” INTO THREE EASY STEPS.>>ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? DIET, EXERCISE, SACRIFICE. THAT’S IT!>>[ LAUGHS ] JAN, YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO EASY!>>THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS. WE’VE TRIED ATKINS, PALEO, SOUTH BEACH, NORTH BEACH, JUICE CLEANSE, TEA CLEANSE, CHEESE CLEANSE. I’VE EVEN DONE A 30-DAY TRAVEL CLEANSE, WHERE I ONLY ATE AIRPLANE PEANUTS AND PAPER CLIPS, AND WHILE ALL OF THESE THINGS WORK, NOTHING WORKS QUITE LIKE GOTH.>>LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT ONE OF OUR POWER LUNCHES. NOW, I KNOW YOU LIKE LETTUCE WRAPS.>>GUILTY! I CAN’T GO A DAY WITHOUT THEM. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO! [ BOTH LAUGH ]>>GREAT. LUCKY FOR YOU, JAN, THERE’S ONE ALREADY PREPARED. WE’VE GOT ORGANIC FETA, WOLF PLACENTA, TANNIS ROOT.>>THIS LOOKS DELICIOUS! [ CRUNCHING ] MMM! YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE FETA! [ CHUCKLES ]>>YOU KNOW, GETTING OLDER, I FELT THE REPERCUSSIONS OF MY POOR EATING HABITS. I FELT I WOULDN’T LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO SEE MY GRANDKIDS GROW UP. BUT “GOTH FITNESS” CHANGED EVERYTHING! SURE, I’VE BEEN SHUNNED BY THE MAJORITY OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY, BUT THOSE PEOPLE WERE POSERS ANYWAY. I FOUND A NEW GROUP OF FRIENDS WITH OPEN MINDS.>>JESSUP, WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO GET FLAT, WASHBOARD ABS, CHISELED ARMS AND SHOULDERS, TIGHTER THIGHS AND BUNS?>>JAN, YOU KNOW I’D DO ANYTHING!>>WELL, YOU CAN PROVE IT WITH OUR CUSTOM WORKOUT VIDEO SERIES ON DualDisc. IT’S SIX EXERCISES, SIX DAYS A WEEK, SIX MINUTES EACH. THAT’S IT!>>JAN, WHY DON’T YOU LEAD US THROUGH ONE OF THESE WARM-UP MANTRAS?>>I’D LOVE TO, JESSUP. OKAY. HERE WE GO!>>OKAY. HEY, DO YOU SEE HOW DRAVEN’S NOSE IS STARTING TO BLEED? THAT’S HOW WE KNOW IT’S WORKING!>>ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE RIGHT PASSAGE?>>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [ THUNDER CRASHES ]>>[ Demonic voice ] THE HOUR IS NIGH! THE WAR DRUMS ARE BEATING! YOU WILL BE FOOD FOR MASTER’S ARMY! [ Normal voice ] OHH.>>[ ROARS ]>>[ SCREAMING ] [ BOTH LAUGH ]>>WHEN WE STARTED THIS PROGRAM, WE MENTIONED THAT THE KEY TO A NEW YOU WOULD TAKE DIET, EXERCISE, AND ONE MORE THING.>>Both: SACRIFICE!>>HA HA! THIS IS DRAVEN’S OLDER BROTHER, THAD. DRAVEN WAS KIND ENOUGH TO VOLUNTEER THAD FOR THIS PART OF OUR PRESENTATION…>>THE RITUAL SACRIFICE.>>NOW, FIRST, YOU’LL NEED TO BREW THE SACRIFICIAL SOUP.>>REMEMBER, TOO MUCH HEMLOCK HEX OR TOO LITTLE BLACK POODLE DOG HAIR CAN REALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE, SO WATCH YOUR PORTIONS.>>[ WHIMPERING ] [ POP! ] YOU — YOU AND YOUR LOSER FREAK FRIENDS DID THIS TO ME, YOU LITTLE SHRIMP. NICE MAKEUP, BY THE WAY. WHAT IS THIS — GIRL FITNESS? YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE A FAILED HAUNTED HOUSE. THIS IS — NO, NO. WHAT IS THAT? NO! NO, NO!>>COME ON.>>[ GURGLING ]>>AND IT REALLY IS THAT SIMPLE.>>OKAY. IT APPEARS AS THOUGH OUR SACRIFICE’S BODY IS READY. DRAVEN?>>[ BREATHING HEAVILY ] DRAVEN, I’M SO SORRY FOR MAKING FUN OF YOU, MAN. I THINK MAKEUP IS REALLY COOL ON GUYS. YOU LOOK COOL! YOU’RE MY LITTLE BROTHER. MOM AND DAD SAID WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER, OKAY?>>[ CHUCKLES ] WHILE THEY FINISH UP IN THERE, I’VE GOT ONE LAST SURPRISE FOR YOU. IF YOU ORDER RIGHT NOW –>>[ Demonic voice ] YE-E-E-E-S! I HAVE RETURNED!>>HEY, JESSUP, COULD YOU COME HERE FOR A QUICK SEC?>>JAN? JAN! WHAT’S GOING ON?!>>SO, I THINK WHAT HAPPENED WAS, UM –>>THIS IS MY ARMY? YOU’RE NOT EVEN WEARING ANY ARMOR! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT HIDEOUS TUNIC? IT’S JUST — IT’S A T-SHIRT FROM HOT TOPIC.>>WHICH ONE OF YOU READ THE GODDAMN SCROLLS?>>THAT WAS US. JAN AND I READ THE SCROLLS.>>WE JUST — AAH! IT WAS ME. IT WAS ME.>>NO, NO. JAN –>>WELL, YOU’RE NOT THE NORWEGIAN BERSERKERS I’D HOPED FOR… BUT YOU DO LOOK PRETTY GREAT.>>OOH.>>THOSE ARE SOME BITCHIN’ BEACH BODIES.>>OH. WELL… WHOO! WE DID IT, AND YOU CAN, TOO! ORDER “GOTH FITNESS” NOW, AND WE’LL SEE YOU AT THE BEACH!>>Announcer: [ Demonic voice ] ARE YOU READY TO LET BEELZEBUB GET YOU BEELZEBUFF? ENOUGH EXCUSES! GET OFF THE COUCH, PICK UP THE PHONE, AND GET “GOTH FITNESS” TODAY!>>WHOO! [ SEA GULLS CRYING ]>>ALL RIGHT! HEY!>>AAH. AAH.

100 Comments

  1. The dood from binge

  2. I've been wasting my life on the KETO diet, I will do the switch

  3. Time to slit a rabbits throat for a sacrificial ritual to lose weight. 😂

  4. Goth and satanism isn’t the same thing. Pfft, posers. Lol

  5. I <3 Missy Pyle – she looks so sexy in goth mode.

  6. What is the lady from?
    Ratatat drugs?

  7. Realistically, goth fitness is being too depressed to eat

  8. Fuck the posers

  9. What?

  10. Before, I had no motivation for sacrifice, but after the 6 month of the 6th week of the 6 day with Goth Fitness, my motivation for sacrifice is damn right sacrilegious! Especially with the new Goth Go Gettem Sacrilicious Shakes with pure 7th Day Adventist plasma!!

  11. 2:53 Fuck this shit I'm out

  12. ….they smile to much

  13. No self-respecting goth would go without dying their hair black.

  14. But the pentagram is a protection from evil

  15. "Christianity is the killer of muscles" (James Willems)

  16. Most people are posers anyway..

  17. Isn't that Violet Bauregarde's mother from Charlie and the chocolate factory?

  18. When someone tells they would do ANYTHING to get their body goal in time for the summer: show them this and get them started. 😂

  19. me when i was 15😭

  20. Not another cross fit ad.

  21. I want this so badly.

  22. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N1M7Kwl81A

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fEj8y14FdM

  23. 🍻

  24. bitching beach bodies… hahaha…..

  25. Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure: Battle Tendency

  26. That's cool.

  27. The cursed prep Goths

  28. Hey its the girl who was afraid of Ross' super white teeth lol

  29. Hot Topic: Favorite shop of Satan's minions and My Little Pony enthusiasts. There's a surprising overlap.

  30. I still think P90X is better!….

  31. Is.. that the actress from MOrtal Kombat that played Sonya!?

  32. Looks like they need a salad mixer…

  33. Without the white foundation they look more BDSM than Goth.

  34. They seem more metal to me than goth.

  35. Awwwww!!! I got dressed as a group who were an East Germanic people, two of whose branches, the Visigoths and the Ostrogoths, played an important role in the fall of the Western Roman Empire through the long series of Gothic Wars and in the emergence of Medieval Europe for nothing!!!!! 💔

  36. The music should've been like death metal or something

  37. Peter steele

  38. Talk about Looking good when you're a corpse!

  39. She talks like a soccer mom…not at all like a goth girl.

  40. This is what happens when poor writers try to expand an average idea into a skit. This is like a primary school production

  41. Egyptians

  42. They are way too hype.

  43. The fuck I just watch?!!?!

  44. I literally have black poodle dog hair in my cabinet

  45. It was popular in Germany in the 30s. 😉

  46. P sure this isn't goth but black metal but ok :/

  47. Looks like Zane from Zoolander

  48. 666k views lol

  49. At first I thought the view count was 666k but it had an 8 at the end damn.

  50. Beelzebuff

  51. Wow the quality looks just like a real infomercial. Deep fake indeed.

  52. Health goths were in Portland before this lmao

  53. I couldn’t stand my traditional 30 minute spin class, now by using goth fitness and listening to satanic death metal, I spend about 8 hours per class on the bike, mostly because they bolt the doors shut and don’t open them until someone has been sacrificed, but still, I have the legs of a mutant, thanks goth fitness!

  54. Of course the darkness is beach body ready haven't you seem Legend? That demon lord was ripped

  55. I prefer using GOTH 2 BOSS instead.

  56. For anyone seriously trying to loose weight try the emo diet. It’s honestly the fastest way to cut.

  57. Of course satan had to take the hot chick 🙁

  58. MM/

  59. And I thought fitness was easily understood…

  60. They're conflating goth with goth…

  61. A fitness plan I can get on board with. 🙂

  62. Um maybe its a scam 🐡🐟

  63. Thanks to Goth fitness the females can’t keep their paws off me!

  64. sounds nice except the fact that goths stay out of the sun they dont go to the beach…they also smoke…..

  65. "Vassago – Fitness Guru" actually made me laugh out loud.

  66. Why does that guy look like Hannibal on steroids

  67. Stolen from the IT crowd

  68. These two are Abby Sciuto's frenemies.

  69. They seem to be confusing Goth with Death Metal…

  70. as MJ would say: "this is ignorant"

  71. that is what normcore people think goths are

  72. are you ready to let Beelzebub get you beelzeBUFF?

  73. "those people were posers anyway"
    I f*cking choked on my own spit laughing and now I have black tears in my eyes.

  74. Didn’t find this one funny

  75. As a goth fitness enthusiast. I felt this. I really did. Thank you for the representation.

  76. oh no, not these two again!

  77. Sure, I've been shunned by my friends and family, but they were posers anyway. IF THAT AINT ME

  78. Goth Fitness: the perfect program to impress your Big Tiddy Goth GF!

  79. I was a goth in highschool. This definitely gave me a chuckle. I approve this message 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤘🤘🤘🤘

  80. I hope they know that not all Goths dress in black. The Goth Bible has other categories of dress wear.

  81. not sure this is funny, but it sure is telling of how the world is going….

  82. SACRIFICE! YAY!

  83. The Dark Lord is pretty pale

  84. was that chick on soul plane?

  85. Missi pyle is low key a babe

  86. That fat fuck from Hamburgerman still can't speak a single sentence without major accidents :-/

  87. Why is MatPat here?

  88. Vandal fitness has more long term effects

  89. Wolf placenta?! Eww

  90. Good to know the voice actor for power thirst is still getting work

  91. No. Just no😐

  92. Oh my. It always works. Find a moronic comment on Youtube and check that one's favorites. When someone has really poor taste U just know there will be treasures and he/she is great. And this time I had two warp travel jumps using two persons. Galaxy is big and full of star systems. *_*:

  93. Just call the Winchesters smh

  94. Jan looks like the step mom from the parent trap

  95. Ahahahaha

  96. I dont know why but, when an old man turns into goth they look younger.

  97. I see buff dude in black lip stick i click video

  98. I would like to try Wolf Placenta fs!

  99. i would pay any price for these tapes to actually get produced

  100. "Get your beach bods ready for summer". But you don't get sun!! xD

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