FULL DAY OF EATING // Eating When You're NOT Hungry, Healthy Food During Recovery + Body Checking



so early it's so early you guys what's up this is my ice roller I use it to do puff my eyes in the morning it'll be linked down below well my Amazon influence or pages link down below but this is on it good morning it's Thursday uh uh I know I always say I'm so tired but like I think I mean I know I just I don't sleep enough guys I don't sleep enough so I'm always tired when I have to wake up early for work Monday morning I'm fine Tuesday morning I'm fine even Wednesday morning I'm fine but by the time I hit you guys Thursday morning with this face I am so effing tired who's with me on the Thursday tired game anyway welcome to another full day of eating video vlog hangout chit chat with you and with me and my bestie is okay me and you if you are new here what's up my name is Maci I would love if you would hit subscribe down below we are gonna be I'm gonna be showing you what I eat all that we're gonna be talking all day it's also spray tan Thursday can I get a hell a Yossef or a tan Thursday I think some water gel is rolling on my undereyes cuz they're so damn hot because I'm so damn tired we're gonna be having the normal Starbucks breakfast sandwich and coffee for breakfast because I didn't prepare correctly but I know that's boring and I know that's getting boring so next week we're gonna eat something different before work I'm gonna go to the store this weekend and get something else because I need to kind of mix up my breakfast routine because I'm getting very comfortable with eating that and it's very routine so I need to break it a little bit so we'll do that this weekend I'll take you guys maybe grocery shopping with me this weekend if you want to come so yeah I'm gonna keep doing this I'm gonna pack some snacks for work like always I already get started okay so we're moving along with the getting ready process I dried my hair I did my skincare now I'm gonna pack some snacks okay I'm trying to like get it going but it's also raining outside guys and I am walking to work so so since there's not many of these left I'm just gonna bring this whole bag like this to work and then don't have a ton of stuff snack option wise we have chia seeds we have Weetabix Lutetia chips I guess I could bring this half half of a bar Oh yogurt this coconut milk yogurt okay this is what I'll bring this is what I'll bring for snack today I walked to work because it's like ideal because my work is so close to where I live but like it's raining but it never rains here but it's rain it radius turns ring today of course it rained on spray-tan Thursday of course the rains and I have to walk to work in the morning I mean it's gonna be a really slow morning that means I won't have a ton of work to do okay me walking to work today oh god there's so many puddles look at it it's raining can we talk about that my sandwich bag got like wet in the rain but there she is and my little baby coffee updated still raining outside I just walked home into you pouring rain but I stopped by Panera because it was like kind of cold outside you know like chilly 65 vibes I wanted a soup and salad so that's what having for lunch I stopped to work I just got home I have some video editing to do so I'm just gonna eat real quick but I wanted to show you and what I got first so what do we have here besides an absurd amount of butter I don't know why they put that money in here okay French onion soup with no cheese and then we got a little piece of baguette and then a chicken Caesar salad this will be lunch and the baguette never forget the baguette I don't like Caesar dressing and it has dairy in it anyway so I'm gonna use this is my favorite dressing right now from Trader Joe's it's so good it's it's in the cutest bottle ever tell me back at my son's lacrosse game in um yeah and I find it fascinating hey guys so it's later on in the day let's just pause rewind so I had lunch I had Panera earlier I've been working on my computer non-stop since then I'm not gonna lie and I got a really sidetrack like watching American Idol auditions I'm not watching this season I used to be like the most die-hard American Idol fan my whole entire life's like went to the concert tours like was crazy because I wanted to try out for American Idol like when I was little that was a dream so I got sidetracked watching American Idol auditions and like I thought I was gonna hate it and like I don't hate it cook I don't like Katy Perry but I do like Lionel Richie and like I thought I was gonna hate it but like they actually play off each other quite well and I just watched a couple people's auditions who were like so so good and just like put me in a really good mood so it's like getting to be almost six o'clock now and I'm going to a make a some movie I was feeling really lazy and didn't want to so I picked up the camera and was like if you film it you gotta do it if you're gonna film it you gotta do it so I'm gonna make it you know sometimes things get in the way of your recovery that aren't even just like recovery bad body image like restrictive mindset type like thoughts and feelings that get in the way of your eating sheer laziness sometimes and that's something that people that aren't going through recovery can just chalk it up to like I'll just lazy so I didn't eat but like we're not allowed to do that you know we can't be too lazy to eat just like I can't be too busy to eat so I wish your laziness that I didn't want to get my butt up and make my smoothie so I'm gonna do it because I'm like not physically feeling that hungry and that can be really hard to push past some time so you don't physically feel hungry but like I know I need to make the smoothie so I'm gonna make the smoothie cuz there I mean you guys have seen what I'm eating but I don't means that enough fruits and vegetables I have lettuce but lettuce is like not really a vegetable so I'm gonna make my smoothie and I'll show you guys what's in it but I'm really just excited for a spray-tan Thursday to commence when Tyler gets home spray-tan Thursday will commence I will go to my airbrush appointment I'm very excited about I will go to my airbrush appointment with Natalie she's the best I get an airbrush tan like every two weeks but in between there I have to do self tan on my own to like keep it up because it starts to get patchy after like five or six days so there will be a self-tan routine that coming with my favorite products so so soon because a couple of you guys quite a few guys have asked so that will be coming anyway let's go make a smoothie and play Jersey Boys because that's what I feel like listening to right now I'm in spy told you guys in my Q&A if you haven't seen yet it'll be linked down below I told you guys that I like to listen to show tunes and Jersey Boys why don't you so sadly we're out of spinach so these smoothies are gonna contain kale as the only green which towers I like very much a nut milk ice oh this is not in the smoothie but guys I've been trying this this week it's very very very very good this is the fruit medley bag that I use where on my frozen bun on oz here they are I freeze these oh and cannot forget cannot forget cannot get the chia seeds wish we could just get down to like all that music without copyright but this is actually turned out good I was worried it wouldn't be very good come on Aspen engine like kale is like pretty bitter by itself so that's been additionally balances out but everything I showed you guys blended up into here braving the rain only only for spray-tan Thursday for dinner I am making zucchini fries for myself they're from Trader Joe's guys I'm telling you I'm Trader Joe's clean I should do a whole video for you guys on my favorite Trader Joe's things let me know if you want that and making this – it's like a teriyaki chicken situation also from Trader Joe's and then broccoli also from Trader Joe's so let's whip up let's whip up this work we're gonna sylia what guys and I'm wearing a nightie a Christmas nightie because it's the only nightie I have and I don't want pants like I don't want clothes like sticking to my spray Jan still the same dirty boys hey guys what's up happy Friday whoo just like the loves of the weekend I am like pumped p/f up probably guys I got to sleep in an hour later today than normal so I'm not exhaustedly yesterday I haven't showered my spray tan off yet from last night still I might look a bit crazy I might look a bit crazy I just wanted to kind of reflect on how I've been feeling this week because we did two videos that were kind of like sole purpose videos like the eating out video and the Q&A video which I'm so glad you guys liked it like I was so nervous I had a pit hit inducing just like the eating disorder story video pit inducing it was I would went to bed very nervous after I uploaded it woke up to your guys's awesome comments so I'm glad you guys liked it I'm glad you guys liked a little peek at me that wasn't just UD related but yeah I just wanted to check in about stuff that I've kind of been thinking about lately cuz when I made that video I was getting comments like I do sometimes they're like oh I wish that I could not look at the calories like you do or I wish that I could do this that you do I wish I could put push past this like you do and you're so strong and all of those comments and I won first and foremost just want you guys to know that even stuff like that I was talking about like it's a struggle for me like when I was saying in my Q&A that I would keep myself accountable and like don't let myself look at calories it's a struggle every time you know every time I go to the grocery store and pick up an object like that's a struggle that I have to keep myself accountable for and it doesn't always happen like I'm not saying that I win every time because I don't it's just that my intentions are to try to win every time and that's all you can do during recover you know your intentions but I mean you do have to match your actions to your intentions but you can only do your best like we're only human and I mean I don't do my I don't do my best 24/7 guys and yesterday was like kind of a tough day for me I in the first half of the day I got a little happier towards the end of the day but I was kind of thinking when I was sitting at Panera you guys saw they went to Panera for lunch yesterday after work and I was sitting there and they asked you know when you go to Panera and they ask you if you want bread or if you want an apple chips or baguette I used to always say Apple even though I always wanted the back end and like yesterday I said I said baguette and I'm not gonna lie got a little nervous of what the cashier was gonna think of me even though we learned in the video Monday no one cares no one cares no one cares but I did like I was like baguette I got nervous that the person behind me was like what is she doing getting bread and not an apple because you know here in Beverly Hills people people tend to order the Apple let me tell you and I was like all off the baguette and I went in like sat down and while I was waiting for my food I was just like I was in my mind like thinking you could have picked a healthier option than the soup like you could have you could have just gotten the salad and I was like debating that with myself I was like it wasn't the healthiest option I think something we go through during recovery or at least that I go through hopefully some of you guys can relate is getting kind of down on myself for not picking the healthiest option not the lowest calorie but the healthiest it's like we were used his point in recovery where we're kind of and challenging those fears but I kind of I get to point sometimes where I worry like am i workup am i eating because I'm in recovery or am i indulging and that's something I have to battle in my head because I've always been like a healthy eater at least like a healthy you'd okay I've always at my eating disorder but like when I was eating I tried to eat healthy things and I would call it like you know I'm just living a healthy lifestyle and I would try to put good things in my body and that's like a contract it's like a like a battle in your head of wanting to feed your body healthy nourishing foods that it needs like when I drink my smoothie yesterday or just but also trying to like say yes and eat foods that you've been afraid to eat and you've been restricting for so long and it's kind of like in your mind you're like how much is enough like when is it gonna just be indulging what am I gonna you know when is it gonna stop being okay for me to eat whatever foods I want to eat and I think the answer I don't know the answer but I think the answer is never like I feel like the answer is we will find our balance during recovery but I don't know I feel like it can be a very internal battle of like should I be eating healthy or should I just be eating what I want cuz I'm in recovery and I'm pretty sure the answer is I should just be eating whatever I want and I know it is but I just wanted to share with you guys that like even though you guys see me trying my best like I do sit there and beat myself up sometimes and it can I don't know challenging myself facing these fear foods like it can just be really hard it can just be really hard even though I know it's the right thing to do it can just be so hard and I'm so glad I have you guys to talk about it with because no one really gets it except you guys like no one gets it no one gets why that cup of soup and baguette was so hard for me to order and so hard for me to eat I'm like I'm so happy I did it but like when I was sitting there I was like your body doesn't need the French onion soup like it probably needs a bigger salad like health-wise and you know it's like I thought it was always so self-conscious or so health conscious but in reality I was like not being healthy by restricting and purging and kind of stuff so sorry for the rambling it's just that internal battle of eating healthy foods in recovery and like not being quite sure if you're eating it for the right reasons just like with working out if you're working out for the right reasons are you working out because you want to burn off all this food you ate are you working out because it makes you feel good and happy same with the healthy eating it's like I have to check in with myself every meal every snack and be like am I going after this because I really just want to eat like restrict and eat the lowest calories or am I going after this food because it's healthy and I want it to feel good in my body to feel good and I think maybe that's a good way to check in with ourselves about that but yeah one of you guys commented on my last video on my Q&A and was like talking about body checking too and like that the more you eat during recovery the more you find yourself body checking and I totally get that I always body checked so much of my eating disorder because I'm the kind of person who really really cared and I'm not saying I still don't care because I still haven't lost that care honestly what I look like to the outside world and what I look like to other people and if I look thin enough and if I look good enough and so I was always body checking making sure if I even ate a single apple slice it wasn't making a bump happen on my stomach or something and the more I the more I eat during recovery I feel you dude the more I eat the more I feel myself having the urges to go run to the mirror and I have to stop myself I don't always I shared on Instagram if you guys don't follow me over there I share a lot of other stuff on my Instagram stories about my like kind of journey a day to day that may seal any link down below but um I shared that I got up at 4 a.m. and like had this anxiety and like was half asleep and ran to the mirror and started body checking and kind of came out of it while I was and I was like what are you doing what are you doing like so I still struggle with it too it's a constant battle for me to eat of a full meal and be eating more and more progressively and not just want to run to the mirror and body check I still want to do it I still every time want to do it if I'm being honest with you guys but I try to stop myself as many times as I can I try to stop myself because I know going over there walking over to the mirror all its gonna do is make me not want to eat again and that's obviously what we're working against here so I just want you guys to know that I am right there with you and I'm just trying every day like I hope you guys are just trying every single day to do your best because I'm just trying every single day to do my best I guess I came to the conclusion that like it's fine it's fine it's fine to not eat a perfectly healthy diet during company obviously oh my god I'm literally stating the obvious obviously that's fine but I need to maybe convince my my actual brain of that and check if I'm eating it for the right reasons if I'm eating the healthy food the healthier option for the right reason or if I'm eating it just because I feel like it'll make me skinnier than the other option and I think I'm learning that sometimes it's totally totally fine to give in to that sense of youth it's like no I just want the French onion soup in the baguette I don't want the Apple and just the Apple in the salad look I want it all and that is okay sometimes and it's not indulgent and it's just eating what you want to eat and choosing what you want to eat instead of what your Edie wants you to eat I want you guys to let me know down below what video you want to see on Monday if you want to see a weekend vlog like work we'll talk like I'll check in about how I'm feeling about food but it'll kind of be like a vlog of everything we're doing this weekend like hanging out with friends going out or we'll be decorating the apartment this weekend so let me know down below if you guys want that to see on Monday on Wednesday I'm gonna be having another collab with Steph and then on Friday next Friday I'll be doing the like College advice what I have my my eating disorder like experience in college with the dining hall and relationships and parties and sorority all of that jazz so if you guys are interested in that make sure to go ahead subscribe down below if you're not already and if you enjoyed this a full day of eating video give it a thumbs up give it a thumbs up give it a thumbs up yeah leave your comments down below I love you guys so so much I'll be Instagram storing all weekend so go make sure you follow me over there I love you guys love you guys sorry I'm a little I'm a little hyped up on caffeine and my croissant I had earlier of guys croissants are so good if you've been restricting croissants like I did my entire life I never even had one croissant until like a couple months ago go eat a croissant gallito croissant that go eat a croissant this week and that is Macy's that is Macy's orders okay I love you guys and I will see you on Monday bye guys

29 Comments

  1. Thanks for putting the healthy eating vs. indulging situation into words!! I've struggled with this for a while and especially today where I've been eating unhealthy food for 3 out of 5 meals. I thought I was the only one with these thoughts. I guess that right now it's okay not to eat healthy and that the healthy eating will have it's time later in my life when I have the strength to not use it as an excuse to restrict or cut out food groups.

  2. you are so incredibly relatable.

    i always ask myself that question. why am i eating this.?…..i don’t need this.?…i feel fine-like my body is a machine and i can do all day without fueling it….so then why am i eating.?..

    i often wonder about others.-like how are they hungry again.?.-they ate 4 hours ago. and i’m thinking there is no way they need that food and there is no way they are eating bc they are hungry…..

    but i know i’m disordered and i don’t have the best outlook on eating.

  3. Can you talk about your opinion on the 10k calorie challenge??? Lol I'm just curious

  4. Any video u do is great🙌🙌💜

  5. YES TRADER JOES😜😜🙌U MAKE ME LAUGH..LOVE U💜

  6. One thing that helps me is remembering that restricting certain foods is going to make them a forbidden pleasure and this is going to make me crave them more in the long run. I see recovery as a time where I am giving myself permission to eat these foods as much as I want, so that my body / brain learns it can have these foods whenever. This breaks the power they have over me and I start viewing them neutrally, the same way I would spinach or kale. In the long run this means I can learn to listen to and trust my body completely, knowing that sometimes it will crave bread and sometimes it will crave an apple. Neither is better than the other, the both are just different and my body can tell me which one it wants depending on the day.

  7. I watched Daphne's video about healthy eating, and i commented how i try to remind myself of what "healthy eating" did to me and to redefine healthy on my own terms. But i made that comment and realised it came from being in my comfort zone and not really having challeneged a lot of things. Since then i've been thinking more about it and how it will fit together with eating more freely. And although in some ways, as you said, it's super obvious, it's also REALLY not! Like it's so hard to know what a balance IS. it's a massive headfuck. But i do like your idea of questioning your motivation for choosing something. And i guess we can only really learn by trial and adjustment but arrrggghh it's scary.

    I didnt realise you were nervous about the q&a. I loved learning more about who you are and i really enjoyed it, so i was really surprised you were unsure about it!!

  8. Hi Macy! I just wanted to say that your videos are so flipping awesome and I LOVE how you're so open. It's so admirable and a quality that everyone admires, but so few of us can actually embody! You're so helpful to so many people (myself included) and i REALLY appreciate your content babe

  9. Oh my gosh! I had to stop your video for just a minute to respond to your comment "Am I eating this for recovery, or am I just indulging?" Yes! Those are exactly my thoughts these days! I am weight recovered, but I am still challenging anorexic thoughts, and one of my biggies is sweets and desserts. I have decided to have at LEAST one dessert per day, and I have to pep talk myself every time. I have a feeling that as I allow myself to eat those things that were on my naughty list more regularly, the desire to do so as much will naturally decrease. Already I'm starting to crave fruits, so I think allowing this "indulgence" is a good thing, but yikes! It's really hard! Now, on to the rest of your video…

  10. Thanks so much dear macy, so so proud of jou girl! Im struggeling myself also about with eating healthy….but i try challenging myself! Only drinks with sugar i find really difficult…so when i drink soda (i dont drink that often, mostly just tea or water) but than i always take diet coke… have a great weekend and sorry for my bad english but i hope you understand it a bit! Love from Holland again xxx😘😘

  11. Fellow Jersey Boys fan! I saw it years ago at the La Jolla Playhouse during preview week long before it went to Broadway and have been a fan since. I find listening to Show tunes whilst preparing meals is helpful for putting me in a good mood and relaxing me for the meal ahead.

  12. Also I have this weird thing that like, everyday I will eat one chip from a chip bag in our house. But I HAVE to find the perfect chip because you know “ you can only have just one”

    Like, WHAT?!?!!

  13. Yes so unbelievably relatable . I was drinking Diet Coke and ordering soup and salad only every time we would go out to dinner from the ages of 12-15. To this day going out to eat I only eat either a chicken option, fish, or a big salad but I justify it like “well I’m also gunna order a margarita “ or “ we’ll the salad still has lots of calories with the chicken and dressing and fixings “. But sometimes I’m in my head like BITCH YOU WANT THE PASTA or A BURGER . but then I’m like, why would you want that ? It’s so bad for you. And what if you’re hungry later? Then you would have way too many calories ,

    UGHHHHHHHHH

  14. Were those NO SALT pretzels!!?? I might have to unsubscribe…JOKES! Love you! But give me ALL the salt!! xoxo

  15. Ah, yes, good ol' Panera and my healthy choices…..like the apple. It just automatically comes out of my mouth!

  16. Get that baguette gurl!!!

  17. I straight up fucking love everythanggggg about you!

  18. I completely feel you on the "healthy eating" versus "indulging." Reading Intuitive Eating by Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole really helped me to push through some of those thoughts. This is their synopsis of principle ten "Gentle Nutrition" of intuitive eating:

    “Make food choices that honor your health and tastebuds while making you feel well. Remember that you don’t have to eat a perfect diet to be healthy. You will not suddenly get a nutrient deficiency or gain weight from one snack, one meal, or one day of eating. It’s what you eat consistently over time that matters, progress not perfection is what counts.”

    I am about 8 months into my recovery from Bulimia and still battle with those thoughts everyday, but it helps to have this to come back to. I think that at some point, I will be mentally stable enough in my recovery to choose the veggies over the fries because it makes my body feel better, but as of now Nutrition is still on the backburner for me. I am glad that you addressed this particular part of recovery. I have enjoyed watching you grow in your recovery the last few months!

  19. I hear ya about the internal battle with eating healthy and questioning your choices at the restaurant… And the baguette! It was/is a fear food of mine but I sometimes force myself to have some. I'm much more comfortable with pita bread/wraps… I'm challenging myself today by getting a grilled salmon burger. Obviously the big issue here is the big white bun and fries that come along with it but I will push through. Thanks for inspiring us girl 🙂 Sending you big hugs and lotsa love in hopes it can help you with your struggles! Know we're all in this together 🙂 Stay strong!!!

  20. I love being tanned!! It just picks you up. Self care and doing what makes you happy!! So important!! You have beautiful eyes by the way!!

  21. I don’t have an ed (but I have ocd and the facility I went to for treatment housed ed and ocd together). One thing that really stuck with me after spending months interacting and having groups with the individuals struggling with ed and self loathing/dysphoria/food guilt/social anxiety was that the mind reading ‘truths’ we lot spend so much time buying in to are often so very far from what is occurring in reality.

    You really have to challenge those thoughts telling you “the cashier and the lady behind me are going to think I’m greedy for wanting the bread”, “Everyone at the gym is going to think I’m fat and lazy if I choose to walk the track instead of working out hard for the whole hour”, “I’m not going to raise my hand to ask for some clarification on this new material because, for one, no else is having to ask for help, and two, it’s probably so basic of a concept that the whole class will wonder how I even got approval to take an honors/ap/advanced class”, “I know, for a fact, some of my friends only choose to hang out with me because I offer to be DD when we go out- They are beautiful and smart and successful, so if I didn’t have xyz to offer outside of just being a good, loyal friend, they would have no reason to want someone like me in their group”

    These are just some examples of how, when not actively challenged and monitored, a disordered way of thinking (whether it be an ed, anxiety, self esteem issues) can seriously f*** with how you view and experience each aspect of daily life.

    Next time you find yourself making negative assumptions about how you are being viewed by others, I want you to really challenge yourself to take just one single minute to ask yourself these few things.
    1. Would any of these negative thoughts cross my mind if the roles were reversed (ie: if I was the cashier behind the counter and I saw a young woman order the very common choice of baguette for her side, would I be critiquing her for not choosing the apple? Or judging her for having some soup and salad on this rainy day?
    2. If no, then ask yourself how much time you usually spend critiquing others choices or putting others down for how hey look or even just thinking
    neutrally about each individual person you pass during the entirety of a day?
    3. If I am spending most of the day thinking about what others are thinking about, and what I am going to eat, and if my socks are going to smell from all the stupid puddles, and if there is any way to fit a nap in without my boyfriend/ girlfriend noticing ..:Then how much time are all of these strangers REALISTICALLY spending thinking shitty thoughts about me and my choices for lunch and my body/style/hair?

    We are all our own worst critic. Don’t let your assumptions trick you into believing everyone else is thinking those same harsh thoughts. I wish you the absolute best in your recovery, and hope this comment can provide some small reprieve from the anxiety.

  22. Hey Macy, you are strong! The baguette is a great option, goes much better with soup and salad 😘 if it has more calories it doesn't mean that it is unhealthy, because calorie restriction is definitely not healthy. Love you and can't wait for your new videos! ❤

  23. Bread has become a fear food for me 🙁 which sucks because being french we always have delicious fresh baguette at home! Everyone just eats it along with every meal (ED translation = on top of all the calories).
    I try to remember that that's how my entire family eats and they're not fat, that's also how I used to eat it and I was always skinny… that shouldn't be my motivation but oh well 😂
    The truth is it has such a bad rep in the US but I don't know why ! It's flour and water ! And not that caloric since it's so airy !

  24. Wow, I can totally relate to you on the eating healthy in recovery. I always question if I should eat healthier or whatever I want while in recovery, especially since I am at a better BMI. I don't know when I should being like whatever to what I eat because I don't know if I still need to or if I always need to. I know probably it is always to eat what you want without concern on health, but then I am also not sure. My mind is so mixed up. I am so glad to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. Like your channel so much. Wish you uploaded more often b/c I like your videos so much. Have a great weekend. Hopefully, no more rain for you.

  25. I totally relate to the “healthy” thing!

  26. The great thing about Panera though is you can order at the kiosk so no one can overhear your order and judge you! I went there recently and got a free pastry for my birthday and boy oh boy was it hard to order.

  27. Eating what ever you want !!!
    Baguette is not unhealthy … you can’t recover by eating only “healthy” foods
    As I continue to gain weight I find that it’s easier not to body check bc it makes me upset
    Also I excepted the fact that I’m not going to like my body changing /getting bigger and I love red my expectations for it to look certain way …. I tell myself that right now my body is not a finished project and it will continue to change and I have no control over the process
    I try to let go of my “ thin body” identity and just let my body be just body

  28. A lot of times I get tired after taking care of everybody, getting chores done, annoyed with my kids and/ or my GI gets really bad so I have no energy to go and fix some food for myself

  29. This has been my life. My entire life. I still body check bc I am so afraid of losing control, even tho I try to stop myself. So fuck my damn ED. 💛

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